The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Pinky...
I guess it’s not impossible. I mean, yeah, it does seem highly unlikely, but then I’m sure they said the same thing about achieving the great taste of Dr. Pepper with zero the calories, or that whole “running out of mammoths” thing, back in the day, and we know how that all turned out (and if not: mmm and oops), and besides...oh, hi! I’m Matt – you might remember me from such blog entries as “What’s a Spork?” and that one with all the Harry Potter! I was just imagining what I would do if I ever took over the world. Join me!
Wait, don’t worry – it’s not like I’m sitting here next to a chalkboard full of stick-figure drawings, right now, mapping out my plans for world domination (besides, I'm probably seriously overestimating the persuasive powers of free t-shirts – and I’ve said too much, already) but let’s just say I did, and it worked, or maybe they actually offered me the job, since Oprah turned it down and I got the next highest number of text-message votes. First off, would I take it? Well, yeah – I mean, okay, it might cut into my free time a bit, and I’m not sure how forward I’d look to dealing with Bono and Angelina Jolie on such a professional level and, fair enough, I could hardly keep my SimCity running, back in the day, without earthquakes or Godzilla making the whole thing look like a scene from…Earthquake or Godzilla (hospitals, it’s all about the hospitals!) But, still, it would be totally worth it, just to be able to walk up to anybody, all, “So, that world your standing on? Yeah, it’s mine.”
Of course, I’d do things that weren't walking up to people, too – changes have to be made, after all, and we might as well start with the name. I mean, “the World,” that works okay, but what does it say, really? Exactly, about as much as silent film star Colleen Moore (1900-1988), which is why my first act as owner of “Earth” would be to go straight to the master of planet-naming: Mr. George Lucas. Once Mr. Lucas came up with something cool and new and with an “x” – Raxylbax, maybe – we would have to spread it, and since the flyers probably wouldn't be enough, I'd change everything else, accordingly, i.e. “the Raxylbax-wide web,” and “Where in the Raxylbax is Carmen Sandiego?” and “What I'm saying, Matt, is that I wouldn't go out with you for all the free t-shirts in the Raxylbax.” Wait, I mean, um, I didn't, uh...do it Rockapella!
Still, if you want to be elected leader of the free world, and also all the other ones, you have to take a stand on some things – you need some kind of platform. Luckily, I’ve thought this one through, too, reaching the obvious conclusion that my platform will look down upon the clouds, having been built atop the 25,000 foot tower that I will, naturally, call my home. It’ll be a glorious structure, all windows and stainless-steel and soundproof bathrooms (because that just...weirds me out, no matter which side I'm on). Every five floors will house a Jamba Juice. The basement will be paintball. The elevator races will be the stuff of dreams. Oh, and the robot guards could be programmed to let you in, as long as they know your DNA, so…just let me know, ya know? And send a strand of hair.
Yes, my friends, you'd best find your way to a Sunglass Hut, because the future’s lookin’ bright! Now all we have to do is hope that Oprah decides to keep her day job. Because I’m sure she’d do just swell, but then…what would I watch at four?
Wait, don’t worry – it’s not like I’m sitting here next to a chalkboard full of stick-figure drawings, right now, mapping out my plans for world domination (besides, I'm probably seriously overestimating the persuasive powers of free t-shirts – and I’ve said too much, already) but let’s just say I did, and it worked, or maybe they actually offered me the job, since Oprah turned it down and I got the next highest number of text-message votes. First off, would I take it? Well, yeah – I mean, okay, it might cut into my free time a bit, and I’m not sure how forward I’d look to dealing with Bono and Angelina Jolie on such a professional level and, fair enough, I could hardly keep my SimCity running, back in the day, without earthquakes or Godzilla making the whole thing look like a scene from…Earthquake or Godzilla (hospitals, it’s all about the hospitals!) But, still, it would be totally worth it, just to be able to walk up to anybody, all, “So, that world your standing on? Yeah, it’s mine.”
Of course, I’d do things that weren't walking up to people, too – changes have to be made, after all, and we might as well start with the name. I mean, “the World,” that works okay, but what does it say, really? Exactly, about as much as silent film star Colleen Moore (1900-1988), which is why my first act as owner of “Earth” would be to go straight to the master of planet-naming: Mr. George Lucas. Once Mr. Lucas came up with something cool and new and with an “x” – Raxylbax, maybe – we would have to spread it, and since the flyers probably wouldn't be enough, I'd change everything else, accordingly, i.e. “the Raxylbax-wide web,” and “Where in the Raxylbax is Carmen Sandiego?” and “What I'm saying, Matt, is that I wouldn't go out with you for all the free t-shirts in the Raxylbax.” Wait, I mean, um, I didn't, uh...do it Rockapella!
Still, if you want to be elected leader of the free world, and also all the other ones, you have to take a stand on some things – you need some kind of platform. Luckily, I’ve thought this one through, too, reaching the obvious conclusion that my platform will look down upon the clouds, having been built atop the 25,000 foot tower that I will, naturally, call my home. It’ll be a glorious structure, all windows and stainless-steel and soundproof bathrooms (because that just...weirds me out, no matter which side I'm on). Every five floors will house a Jamba Juice. The basement will be paintball. The elevator races will be the stuff of dreams. Oh, and the robot guards could be programmed to let you in, as long as they know your DNA, so…just let me know, ya know? And send a strand of hair.
Yes, my friends, you'd best find your way to a Sunglass Hut, because the future’s lookin’ bright! Now all we have to do is hope that Oprah decides to keep her day job. Because I’m sure she’d do just swell, but then…what would I watch at four?
posted by Matt at 1:41 PM
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