Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Hey, so, what'd I miss? I mean, besides you, obviously.

1. How do you return to your website after having disappeared, with no explanation, for one-hundred and five days?

[A] Simply reappear, acting as if said disappearance had never occurred, and hoping to be welcomed back in a similar attitude (also known as “the Wakefield approach”).
[B] Alienate the remaining members of your already-diminished audience by opening with a reference to a Nathaniel Hawthorne story that does not feature adultery.
[C] Admit that you ignored your readers for a length of time roughly equivalent to the gestation period of a chinchilla. Beg for forgiveness, while also asserting that we can’t all be Gawker, enlightening our audience on the half-hour with such posts as “Seen:160 Central Park S. T-boz from TLC at the essex house. Heard the voice and just KNEW it was her. She’s the hotness.” Inquire politely as to whether any of your readers’ chinchillas have given birth during your absence. Send a gift.
[D] Just begin typing in hopes that you will be well-served by the single most important lesson you learned in high school: self-awareness solves everything.

2. What topic do you choose for your all-important returning post, a post already bearing the weight of both three months of anticipation and of your tendency to disappoint?

[A] “How awesome was that donkey on this week’s Amazing Race?”
[B] “I have opinions about politics and you must read them. Now excuse me while I type ‘Barack’ into Google to make sure that I am spelling it correctly.”
[C] “Should Paladins have their own class Epic Flying Mount?
[D] “Yes, I know that I’ve abandoned you all in the past, that I haven’t been as present as I should’ve been. I know that I’ve missed out on many momentous occasions in all of your lives, and believe me, no one is more disappointed about this than I am (though, for the record, I only missed the birth of our third son because of tunnel traffic, and I still refuse to concede that a dance recital is a 'momentous occasion'). But I’m back, and I’ve changed now, and I know you’ve heard that before, but this time I’m not just talking about the colored contacts, which, by the way, I got rid of—nobody’s eyes are that blue, those were a ridiculous purchase on my part.”

3. How do you assure people that such an absence will never occur again, and that they can once more show a passing-at-best interest in, say, your three-page reviews of disappointing cereals without eventually feeling deserted?

[A] Quit school and make this your full-time job, because nobody will ask to see your degree when they’re busy laughing at your online dissertation about grocery store etiquette, and because blogs are the new Great American Novel, and because the internet is going to make us all rich, now light your cigars and have a drink on me, boys, because the future is lookin’ bright!
[B] Hire a ghostwriter and have them follow your EasyPost Template™: “[Semi-obscure reference to a science fiction show or teen soap opera] [Parenthetical aside] [Self-deprecating remark about how nobody reads this anyway and/or how much you suck at sports] [Inconclusive conclusion].”
[C] Stop wasting so much time on aspects such as spelling, punctuation, and subject matter, instead spending no more than eight minutes on any given post, and mostly talking about why your life is the worst ever and how everybody is automaton robots and quoting Angels and Airwaves lyrics.
[D] Adopt and explain your moderately new format, which is pretty much the old format, but with the caveat that, in order to cover more ground and exist more often, every post needn’t be essay-length. Because in this case, less words at once will probably mean more words overall, and besides, sometimes you have something to say about, for example, how you wish biscuits were as prominent in New York City as the bagel, and where can a guy go to get a decent biscuit in this city, but you have neither the time nor the material to say much more on the topic.

Which, of course, is just an example, as even with this new, looser format, I would never waste an entire post, nor your time, on such paltry and self-serving subject matters. Which, of course, is a complete lie, and if anyone can help me with The Great New York Biscuit Hunt, by all means, leave it in the comments.