Well, It's Certainly Not the Most Important Birthday of the Month, But...
This is it, I guess – my most important birthday since I turned 18 (when I finally became old enough to vote for things that weren’t hosted by Ryan Seacrest, to buy cigarettes for minors and to go to a big-boy jail once I got caught doing so). Yes, today is the long-awaited 21st, upon which the door opens to one of life’s more anticipated rights, the one that every kid spends most of his teenage years counting down to. Because, having acquired the maturity and responsibility that comes with just over two decades of experience in, ya know, existing, I am finally old enough to lose all my inhibitions and – that’s right – apply for a reality show! So get outta the way, kids, because I’ve got one place left to go, and that’s wild! Woo! WOO!
Okay, I’m mostly kidding, because…nothing against reality contestants, of which I’m sure there are plenty of respectable and balanced human beings that I just don’t remember because of that very fact, but…well, “reality-TV contestant” just doesn’t carry the rock-star status you’d...actually never expect it would in the first place. Plus, having spent a good part of my formative years mocking them from the comfort of my own home (read all about it in my new book, From Mitchell to Maggie: 21 Years of Making Fun of Those Who Can’t Hear Me So I Could Feel Better About Myself!), I’d probably spend all of my time worrying that I was currently filling an entire season with tragically ironic interviews, slow motion shots of my taking the wrong turn and the kind of challenge-related slapstick that makes you reach for Tivo’s instant replay button. But, that said, what better way to spend my 21st birthday than weighing the hypothetical pros and cons of my exciting new prospects? To the list!
The Apprentice – I started here because, yeah…it’s all cons, with this one. I’ve had at least two bad dreams where I ended up on The Apprentice (well, it’s not like I can control these things…) before realizing that I had no leadership skills, was afraid of getting yelled at (even if it was only by Donald Trump), and didn’t even want the grand prize, in the first place. Plus I could only take so much “step up to the plate and take accountability for utilizing your skill sets” before wanting to punch, like, the world in the face. Well, except George.
Survivor – See, I always trick myself into thinking I could handle this. Living on nothing but rice and fish and the occasional Pringles™ Brand Pringles™ (buy Pringles™!) for about a month? As long as “each other” isn’t on the menu, I think I’d live. Not getting to shower for just as long? Okay, gross, but it’s not like everyone else is hanging out with their lavender bath beads and rubber duckies, so I bet that kind of stops mattering after the first five days or so. Sleeping on the beach in the same pair of shorts for weeks on end? That? I might do for free. I mean, I’m sure the island makes you appreciate things like beds and hamburgers and not smelling like the monkeys that keep you up at night, but since you know it’s not permanent, and you know they’re not going to let you die out there, it mostly just seems like a pretty interesting way to spend anywhere from three to thirty-nine days. So...I just don't know why they always get so dramatic about handling it, is all.
But then…I always forget about the whole game situation, namely: Challenges. See, my already unruly coordination could hardly take first-period gym class, back in the day, so I’m pretty sure the combination of severe dehydration, extreme hunger and Probst’s nonstop narrating (“And Matt falls down again! Matt bringing his team way behind! Matt having trouble with this whole concept of ‘catching things’…”) wouldn’t help my ability to not look like a complete spaz when it comes to rope ladders. So…if it wasn’t televised, I’d totally give it a shot, but, as it is, I’d rather not bring dishonor to my family, like that.
Big Brother – AHAHAHA! HAHAHA! HA! NO. Not that I wouldn’t love chatting it up with Julie Chen (or smuggling a few magnets into the studio, so I could totally call her out on being a robot on live TV, all, “Look! They stick!”) but, even setting aside the boredom and the goofy challenges, and the having to carry the “Former Big Brother Contestant” label around for the rest of your life…looking at past seasons, I just don’t trust casting to stick me in a house with someone’s who’s not crazy or racist or wants to kill me, all summer.
The Real World – Okay, I’ve been old enough for this one for a while, but I only mention it because, while I would never even think about doing The Real World, I’ve always kind of wondered if my chances of getting on don’t actually suck. I mean, I’ve got all the makings of the “How Will This Decent, Christian Boy Who Doesn’t Party And Avoids Confrontation React To All Of The Drunken Hookups Going On In The Other Room” Guy, as opposed to the millions of frat boys and “bad” girls I’m sure actually want to be on their show. But then, should I get on, I’d actually have to react to the all of the drunken hookups going on in the other room, so…no. And besides, I think you have to lack a certain self-awareness, or at least spend enough time in bars to lack a certain self-awareness, for them to let you on, so maybe I’m wrong about my chances, anyway.
The Amazing Race – Without a doubt, the only reality show I actually really want to do (not that I actually want to do anything about that…unless you’re looking for a teammate, that is), which probably has something to do with the fact that it basically has no downsides. You get eliminated? At least it’s not because all of your cool, new friends decided that the disadvantages of having you around far outweighed any of the benefits. You get eliminated first? At least you still got to be a New York Jew in Iceland. You’ve been dating your teammate for the past 12 years, and you finally begin realizing, with each task, that you guys actually kind of can’t stand each other, resulting in interviews that are almost as uncomfortable to watch as the entire Family Edition? Well, okay, I can’t help ya there, Millie and Chuck.
On the other hand…I’m about as good at reading maps as I am at folding them up, and if I’m gonna be driving around a whole other hemisphere, I should probably figure out which pedal means “go,” and my inexperience with airports would probably accidentally land my team on a flight to Neptune (and not even the earliest one). Still, if there’s ever a show that would make me say, “Hey, let’s send in a tape and see!” this would be it.
So the moral of this story? While I wouldn’t mind doing certain reality shows to varying degrees, one thing’s for certain: I’d lose them all, equally. At least, until they come out with America’s Next Top Model: Guy’s Edition.
And…okay, guys, you could stop pretending you forgot, now, and jump out from behind the couch. Guys? Anyone? Cake?
Okay, I’m mostly kidding, because…nothing against reality contestants, of which I’m sure there are plenty of respectable and balanced human beings that I just don’t remember because of that very fact, but…well, “reality-TV contestant” just doesn’t carry the rock-star status you’d...actually never expect it would in the first place. Plus, having spent a good part of my formative years mocking them from the comfort of my own home (read all about it in my new book, From Mitchell to Maggie: 21 Years of Making Fun of Those Who Can’t Hear Me So I Could Feel Better About Myself!), I’d probably spend all of my time worrying that I was currently filling an entire season with tragically ironic interviews, slow motion shots of my taking the wrong turn and the kind of challenge-related slapstick that makes you reach for Tivo’s instant replay button. But, that said, what better way to spend my 21st birthday than weighing the hypothetical pros and cons of my exciting new prospects? To the list!
The Apprentice – I started here because, yeah…it’s all cons, with this one. I’ve had at least two bad dreams where I ended up on The Apprentice (well, it’s not like I can control these things…) before realizing that I had no leadership skills, was afraid of getting yelled at (even if it was only by Donald Trump), and didn’t even want the grand prize, in the first place. Plus I could only take so much “step up to the plate and take accountability for utilizing your skill sets” before wanting to punch, like, the world in the face. Well, except George.
Survivor – See, I always trick myself into thinking I could handle this. Living on nothing but rice and fish and the occasional Pringles™ Brand Pringles™ (buy Pringles™!) for about a month? As long as “each other” isn’t on the menu, I think I’d live. Not getting to shower for just as long? Okay, gross, but it’s not like everyone else is hanging out with their lavender bath beads and rubber duckies, so I bet that kind of stops mattering after the first five days or so. Sleeping on the beach in the same pair of shorts for weeks on end? That? I might do for free. I mean, I’m sure the island makes you appreciate things like beds and hamburgers and not smelling like the monkeys that keep you up at night, but since you know it’s not permanent, and you know they’re not going to let you die out there, it mostly just seems like a pretty interesting way to spend anywhere from three to thirty-nine days. So...I just don't know why they always get so dramatic about handling it, is all.
But then…I always forget about the whole game situation, namely: Challenges. See, my already unruly coordination could hardly take first-period gym class, back in the day, so I’m pretty sure the combination of severe dehydration, extreme hunger and Probst’s nonstop narrating (“And Matt falls down again! Matt bringing his team way behind! Matt having trouble with this whole concept of ‘catching things’…”) wouldn’t help my ability to not look like a complete spaz when it comes to rope ladders. So…if it wasn’t televised, I’d totally give it a shot, but, as it is, I’d rather not bring dishonor to my family, like that.
Big Brother – AHAHAHA! HAHAHA! HA! NO. Not that I wouldn’t love chatting it up with Julie Chen (or smuggling a few magnets into the studio, so I could totally call her out on being a robot on live TV, all, “Look! They stick!”) but, even setting aside the boredom and the goofy challenges, and the having to carry the “Former Big Brother Contestant” label around for the rest of your life…looking at past seasons, I just don’t trust casting to stick me in a house with someone’s who’s not crazy or racist or wants to kill me, all summer.
The Real World – Okay, I’ve been old enough for this one for a while, but I only mention it because, while I would never even think about doing The Real World, I’ve always kind of wondered if my chances of getting on don’t actually suck. I mean, I’ve got all the makings of the “How Will This Decent, Christian Boy Who Doesn’t Party And Avoids Confrontation React To All Of The Drunken Hookups Going On In The Other Room” Guy, as opposed to the millions of frat boys and “bad” girls I’m sure actually want to be on their show. But then, should I get on, I’d actually have to react to the all of the drunken hookups going on in the other room, so…no. And besides, I think you have to lack a certain self-awareness, or at least spend enough time in bars to lack a certain self-awareness, for them to let you on, so maybe I’m wrong about my chances, anyway.
The Amazing Race – Without a doubt, the only reality show I actually really want to do (not that I actually want to do anything about that…unless you’re looking for a teammate, that is), which probably has something to do with the fact that it basically has no downsides. You get eliminated? At least it’s not because all of your cool, new friends decided that the disadvantages of having you around far outweighed any of the benefits. You get eliminated first? At least you still got to be a New York Jew in Iceland. You’ve been dating your teammate for the past 12 years, and you finally begin realizing, with each task, that you guys actually kind of can’t stand each other, resulting in interviews that are almost as uncomfortable to watch as the entire Family Edition? Well, okay, I can’t help ya there, Millie and Chuck.
On the other hand…I’m about as good at reading maps as I am at folding them up, and if I’m gonna be driving around a whole other hemisphere, I should probably figure out which pedal means “go,” and my inexperience with airports would probably accidentally land my team on a flight to Neptune (and not even the earliest one). Still, if there’s ever a show that would make me say, “Hey, let’s send in a tape and see!” this would be it.
So the moral of this story? While I wouldn’t mind doing certain reality shows to varying degrees, one thing’s for certain: I’d lose them all, equally. At least, until they come out with America’s Next Top Model: Guy’s Edition.
And…okay, guys, you could stop pretending you forgot, now, and jump out from behind the couch. Guys? Anyone? Cake?
posted by Matt at 4:10 PM
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