OMIGOSH SKIS.
I’ll tell you what. If you’re in bad mood today, I’ll forgive you. In fact, if you decide to sleep until three and get up just in time to complain that there’s no food in the house, which you then proceed to burn down before even giving me a chance to save my completely awesome Freaks and Geeks DVDs and/or family? Yeah, well I promise I won’t say one word about your “waking up on the wrong side of the bed,” because, first off, we all know that your bed’s in a corner, but mostly because I’ll understand that you, like the rest of the world, are dreading the arrival of tonight – and not just for the obvious reasons, this time (i.e. the impending Monday, your incurable night terrors, American Dad). No, I’ll know that your brooding and rampant pyromania are just a result of tonight being the night that you’ll suddenly be pulled from the warm and loving embrace of the Winter Olympics.
And what have the past 17 days of Olympic fever taught us? Well, first off, that my pediatrician was amazingly thorough with my immunization shots. Of course, I don't really believe that anyone who’s not Shaun White’s mom has contracted some disease, in the past month, for which the only cure is an official Olympic arena scarf, an official Olympic varsity bag and an official Olympic crystal luge paperweight. Just speaking from my own experience, here – if the point of all this was to get us to actually care, rather than to complain about how LOST is a repeat because bobsledding is new, well then maybe the games featured too few shark pits, blindfolds and hidden patches of thin ice, and too many Slovakians in spandex. (I mean, no offense to Slovakia, or anything – I don’t even know where you guys are. Which…no offense, again. Besides, I’m sure you looked stunning.) Though I did try caring, once, and I have to ask – if this is supposed to be some big world-peace-through-sports thing, then why did I spend most of the night hoping that that girl from Japan would fall to the ground mid-triple-axel, displaying an embarrassing lack of coordination in front of an entire planet?
Or maybe the Olympics just have to broaden their horizons, as far as the events go, at least if they want me as an audience. Because, sure, they call them the “winter games,” but then you tune in and it’s just NASCAR on skates or “101 Ways to Slide Down a Hill.” Which, yes, you probably wouldn’t choose to do in shorts, but I know winter games – where are the forts? The guerrilla war-tactics? The building a sort-of-jump behind the Borough Hall, and pushing your friend down on one of those plastic saucer things, and then laughing as, instead of flying over it, he just sort of crashes head first, and omigosh, is he even moving, quick, let’s get out of here? Okay, the snowboarding almost resembled exciting, but until America is bringing home the gold in the Freestyle Coed Snowball Fight, I’m not going to be happy (nor an Olympic athlete).
I don’t know…I’m just not sure that the highlight of the Olympics was supposed to be trying to figure out which figure skaters were CGI. Which isn’t to say I’m not dreading the closing ceremonies. Because if they’re anything like the opening ones (read: four hours of Cirque du Soleil, but with play-by-play)? Well, then I’ll be at church, thanks. Where, actually, I'll be either way, because, yeah: Good times.
And what have the past 17 days of Olympic fever taught us? Well, first off, that my pediatrician was amazingly thorough with my immunization shots. Of course, I don't really believe that anyone who’s not Shaun White’s mom has contracted some disease, in the past month, for which the only cure is an official Olympic arena scarf, an official Olympic varsity bag and an official Olympic crystal luge paperweight. Just speaking from my own experience, here – if the point of all this was to get us to actually care, rather than to complain about how LOST is a repeat because bobsledding is new, well then maybe the games featured too few shark pits, blindfolds and hidden patches of thin ice, and too many Slovakians in spandex. (I mean, no offense to Slovakia, or anything – I don’t even know where you guys are. Which…no offense, again. Besides, I’m sure you looked stunning.) Though I did try caring, once, and I have to ask – if this is supposed to be some big world-peace-through-sports thing, then why did I spend most of the night hoping that that girl from Japan would fall to the ground mid-triple-axel, displaying an embarrassing lack of coordination in front of an entire planet?
Or maybe the Olympics just have to broaden their horizons, as far as the events go, at least if they want me as an audience. Because, sure, they call them the “winter games,” but then you tune in and it’s just NASCAR on skates or “101 Ways to Slide Down a Hill.” Which, yes, you probably wouldn’t choose to do in shorts, but I know winter games – where are the forts? The guerrilla war-tactics? The building a sort-of-jump behind the Borough Hall, and pushing your friend down on one of those plastic saucer things, and then laughing as, instead of flying over it, he just sort of crashes head first, and omigosh, is he even moving, quick, let’s get out of here? Okay, the snowboarding almost resembled exciting, but until America is bringing home the gold in the Freestyle Coed Snowball Fight, I’m not going to be happy (nor an Olympic athlete).
I don’t know…I’m just not sure that the highlight of the Olympics was supposed to be trying to figure out which figure skaters were CGI. Which isn’t to say I’m not dreading the closing ceremonies. Because if they’re anything like the opening ones (read: four hours of Cirque du Soleil, but with play-by-play)? Well, then I’ll be at church, thanks. Where, actually, I'll be either way, because, yeah: Good times.
posted by Matt at 1:54 PM
3 Comments:
The Winter Olympics are something I actually kept up with this year. Curling is so fascinating because you watch it once and you're hooked and you go outside and start throwing stones down your driveway trying to sweep its path with a broom. That and the Curling Club was right down the road from my old house so I have to give it some props. www.uticacurlingclub.org
Also, I doubt you've seen this but these two guys decided to countdown their 25 favorite moments from Arrested Development and I found it pretty fascinating. http://www.progressiveboink.com/archive/arrested.html
-Alex
True, curling is kind of cool - especially since, if you miss the first few seconds of a round, it almost looks like they're pushing the thing forward with the power of their minds, what with all of the intent staring. And there's this other event that I saw, where it's basically four people lined up and attached to just one pair of skis, and they just kind of shuffled around the track, probably wondering if this level of embarassment is even worth a gold medal. But I didn't turn the sound on, and I couldn't find anything about it later on, so, for all I know, I might mistaken "how they care for the track, before a race" for an actual Olympic event. Either way, don't try that one in your driveway - the neighbors will just laugh and throw snowballs.
Also: Awesome list! I'll always regret that the majority of America will never see the Bluth's Three-Person Chicken Dance Spectacular.
"Have any of you even seen a chicken??"
I like curling!
I'm pretty sure I'd be Olympic Gold Medal worthy in my skills, if given the opportunity -- if only I lived in Alex's old house so I could walk down the road to a Curling Club.
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