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So they say it’s my birthday, and I guess I believe them, although I have to admit, I’m mostly taking their word for it, at this point. And, no, I’m not about to kick off round number 22 of “My God, why hast thou upstaged me?” (because: we’re cool), and, okay, I’m sort of kicking off round number 573 (today) of “Seriously, guys, where’s the piñata, because I wasn’t born on this day, 22 years ago, to not break open a Bob the Builder full of candy,” but mostly, I’m coming to realize that this birthday doesn’t come with half as many privileges as last year’s—my 21st. Which leads to the more depressing realization that my “shiny new privilege” years seem to be behind me, for good, at least until I’m eligible for senior citizen discounts.

And it’s this line of thinking that’s lead to the decision to come up with my own privileges, which will begin on this day. For example, now that I’m 22, I grant myself final say in any pizza topping or movie rental debates at which I am present. Yes, I will be glad to hear you out on the fact that you like meatball and we never get meatball, or that you know it got how it got, but that doesn’t change the fact that Donnie Darko was a pretty entertaining movie that we haven’t seen in a while, but we'll still be doing ham-and-pineapple with Clue: The Movie, in the end. Also, I grant myself permission to jump in front of any senior citizen in line at the grocery store, because we both know that I’ll have been paid and outta there in the time it would have taken them to triple-check the price, realize that they had to buy four in order to receive the sale, complain about said requirement, and then fish through their little change purse for the extra 29 cents that they now have to pay. Also, I always get front seat, I never have to give up my controller for somebody else, and the dark Tootsie Roll Pop is blue and tastes like blueberry, not purple and tastes like grape, because I say so, and besides, it’s totally obvious.

But, before you let this new switch-up in rules send you clicking furiously on the “Comments” button, here’s the thing: not only are they good solely for my 22nd year (with a brand new set of privileges to be released on my 23rd), but they’re good for yours, too. So, whether you are 22, or will one day be turning 22, I’ve given us all something to look forward to! Unless, of course, you're 22nd year is behind you. Then, well...I hope you like Clue: The Movie.

Background noise: Sufjan Stevens’s “Happy Birthday.” By the way, get his Christmas album(s). Yes, even if you’re Jewish, because they are just that awesome.