I Mean, I Love Saturn As Much As The Next Guy, But...
Hey, kids! It’s just four days past my half-birthday, which can only mean one thing: The holiday shopping season has begun! And I’m thinking I better get a list out there, quick, because there are certain things I just don’t have a need for.
Like, for example, I'm not saying that if you handed me a free spaceship, I wouldn't take it, but still, you might just want to get me a gift card to Best Buy or something, because....I'm not sure how many trips to infinite and beyond I’d end up taking. And not only because [insert joke about gas prices, here. HA, get it, because: Expensive!], but also because, I mean, there's sort of less to do up there than there is down here, isn't there? Like, you suit up, push through the fog towards your rocketship while Aerosmith plays in the background, take the two day trip during which the only fun to be had is running your "Ground control to major tom" and "Houston, we have a problem…" jokes into the ground (the latter of which might be a little less amusing, coming from an actual spaceship. Because, you know, they're still so bloody hilarious here on the ground...) and for what? To be surrounded by space. Like, actual, literal space, because…that’s mostly what they have up there, you know. I think it’s where they got the name. And to me, that all seems like a lot of trouble to go through, just to experience nothingness, firsthand.
Okay, so I guess there’s some fun to be had up there. I’d like to see the earth from far away, for example, if only to prove my theory that there’s a secret continent they’re not telling us about (I call it “Wherethey’rehidingalltheunicornsistan.” Also, I don’t believe in Antarctica) – plus, I always wondered what my house looks like from above. Also, I’ve been getting sort of tired of all this standing on the ground, lately, so zero-gravity sounds like it would be kind of awesome (while also providing an impossible environment to set up a game of Mousetrap, but…you take the good, you take the bad, I suppose). Oh, and: Aliens! (But then: Cylons!)
Still, I’m not sure any of that is worth traveling a killbillion miles from earth to a place where you’re a lot more likely to actually run out of air or get your ship hijacked by The Big Giant Head or sucked into a black hole into another dimension, where you’ll get hunted down by an entire race of Otter-People, and eaten alive just moments after you realize that – wait! – it is we who are the monsters!
Or something. I don’t know. You know, if you can’t return the thing? I’ll take it. In other news: Shut up. Third Rock From The Sun was awesome.
Background Noise: “I Don’t Want to Live On the Moon” by, uh, Ernie? Remember this song, from Sesame Street? It’s great! And it always made kind of sad, even though it’s about not about anything particularly sad, I guess. The Muppets did that a lot – lots of crazy, and then suddenly: Random sad song. Gonzo and Ernie in particular. I quite liked that, actually.
Like, for example, I'm not saying that if you handed me a free spaceship, I wouldn't take it, but still, you might just want to get me a gift card to Best Buy or something, because....I'm not sure how many trips to infinite and beyond I’d end up taking. And not only because [insert joke about gas prices, here. HA, get it, because: Expensive!], but also because, I mean, there's sort of less to do up there than there is down here, isn't there? Like, you suit up, push through the fog towards your rocketship while Aerosmith plays in the background, take the two day trip during which the only fun to be had is running your "Ground control to major tom" and "Houston, we have a problem…" jokes into the ground (the latter of which might be a little less amusing, coming from an actual spaceship. Because, you know, they're still so bloody hilarious here on the ground...) and for what? To be surrounded by space. Like, actual, literal space, because…that’s mostly what they have up there, you know. I think it’s where they got the name. And to me, that all seems like a lot of trouble to go through, just to experience nothingness, firsthand.
Okay, so I guess there’s some fun to be had up there. I’d like to see the earth from far away, for example, if only to prove my theory that there’s a secret continent they’re not telling us about (I call it “Wherethey’rehidingalltheunicornsistan.” Also, I don’t believe in Antarctica) – plus, I always wondered what my house looks like from above. Also, I’ve been getting sort of tired of all this standing on the ground, lately, so zero-gravity sounds like it would be kind of awesome (while also providing an impossible environment to set up a game of Mousetrap, but…you take the good, you take the bad, I suppose). Oh, and: Aliens! (But then: Cylons!)
Still, I’m not sure any of that is worth traveling a killbillion miles from earth to a place where you’re a lot more likely to actually run out of air or get your ship hijacked by The Big Giant Head or sucked into a black hole into another dimension, where you’ll get hunted down by an entire race of Otter-People, and eaten alive just moments after you realize that – wait! – it is we who are the monsters!
Or something. I don’t know. You know, if you can’t return the thing? I’ll take it. In other news: Shut up. Third Rock From The Sun was awesome.
Background Noise: “I Don’t Want to Live On the Moon” by, uh, Ernie? Remember this song, from Sesame Street? It’s great! And it always made kind of sad, even though it’s about not about anything particularly sad, I guess. The Muppets did that a lot – lots of crazy, and then suddenly: Random sad song. Gonzo and Ernie in particular. I quite liked that, actually.
posted by Matt at 12:40 PM
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