I Am So, So, Sorry.
Unless you happen to be one those exhausting “Well, if everyone likes it, then I refuse to, and yes, that’s exactly why I don’t eat shrimp” types (upon which, um…hi!), it’s very hard to find something bad to say about the iPod (well, omnipresent ads aside, because did any of us really need “Lose Yourself” stuck in our heads for another two months?) The pluses are easy: Its ability to fit more than every song I’ve got means that I don’t have to decide whether I’m in the mood for Manilow or Diamond, before I leave the house. Also, the included headphones are an excellent self-defense against unwanted conversation, which I’m sure anyone who relies on public transportation can appreciate, as buses and subways seem to attract the sort of people who talk to you without even realizing they’re doing so, while still expecting you to nod along. And, heck, even that one time my iPod broke, Apple took it and fixed it so quickly – forcing me to rely on my skiptastic CD player for only a day (which was tough, because when I’m not traveling by bus, I usually go by pogo stick) – that I’m guessing they simply had to point a wand at it and shout “Reparo!”
But then, there is one negative side-effect to the iPod's “fits everything, goes everywhereness.” Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever “hung out” with a “group of friends” before, but when you do, there’s a good chance that your eventual lack of things to talk about will result in a passing around of the iPods. Because it’s a cool thing, everyone being able to carry their entire music library in their pocket, and an even cooler thing to be able to compare said libraries with each other. Still, as you hand your iPod off, you will likely find yourself with a sudden and growing seed of despair in the pit of your stomach – the feeling that this room full of people will, in just a short time, be passing around your soul, your deepest, darkest secrets just moments away from going public. Because I think that every person’s music collection features at least five items that he’d dare not show to anyone, songs that maybe even he never chooses to listen to, songs that, out of context, can counteract 2,457 other tracks from bands-you’ve-never-heard-of, forcing him to explain, for the rest of his life, why his “Artists” list would have anything in common with that of your 11 year-old sister. And…this paragraph stopped being about the all-inclusive “you” quite some time ago…didn’t it? Well, it’s too late to turn back, now. So, with that in mind, I not-so-proudly present:
The Top 5 Things I Will Never Admit to Having On My iPod
And the Explanations that I Know Won’t Make It Any Better
1. The Backstreet Boys – Okay, so maybe this would be more humiliating in 1998 than it is now, but, like I said, out of context, these things just don’t look very good. And I know that using the “I…only have that CD because my sister does” excuse is almost as middle-school as having to explain why you have a Backstreet Boys CD in the first place, but, well…that’s where it starts, at least. Because if I didn’t spend the back half of the ‘90s in an environment where “the BSB” beat out my Blink-182-or-whatever on most long car rides, I can almost guarantee you that there wouldn’t be Backstreet Boys on my iPod right now. Which isn’t to say my excuse is: “Way back before this thing was even invented, my sister listened to boy bands, and now, nine years later, omigosh, how did that get on there?! Heh…heh, heh…” No, the fact is that growing up with “I Want It That Way” stuck in my head led me to acquire what I will fully admit is now my own fondness for the shiny, happy, please-don’t-judge-me-for-listening-to-this brand of pop music that is best exemplified by songs like the Backstreet Boys’ “I Just Want You to Know.” And, while I’m hoping I put up a good argument for this one, I’m warning you…it gets worse.
2. Alanis Morissette’s “Head Over Feet” – But not yet, it doesn’t. Because, depending on who you are, you might not see anything particularly incriminating about this particular entry. But then, if you’re me, you’ll notice that “Alanis Morissette” is one of the first things to show up on your alphabetical “Artists” list, and then you’ll remember that kinda smurfy video for the song, and suddenly you realize that you’re humming along with lyrics like, “You treat me like…I’m a princess/I’m not used to…liking thaaa-aaa-at.” So, yeah. If it was “Ironic” it wouldn’t have made the list, as that has a more obvious ‘90s-nostalgia air to it. But the fact that I’m actually glad when this song comes on made me feel like it was worth coming clean about.
3. Hanson’s “Underneath” – Yes. That Hanson. I don’t know if it’s less embarrassing, or more so, that I’m actually talking about their most recent album (as in, I was pretty much who I am now, when this came out), rather than, like, “Mmmbop” but…they’re actually a very different band then they were when I was in middle school, and I can’t deny that, if they just appeared with this album, I’d probably be listening to it with a straight face. It’s just sort of enjoyable poppy-alternative music, and I’m very sorry, except that I’m not. But they are considered “indie,” now, so, as college-age kids, aren’t we sort of legally obligated to like them, anyway?
4. Ashlee Simpson’s “Pieces of Me”/Lindsay Lohan’s “Over” – They get grouped together for being songs that I hate myself for liking by people that I don’t even like. But “Pieces of Me” is one of those songs that was all over place, one summer, therefore gaining points by: A. Forcing itself upon us during the season that’s all about the guilty pleasures and B. Eventually reminding me of that summer, and…you know how it is, with songs that take you back to the summertime – it’s the only reason anyone remembers who LFO was, anymore. “Over,” meanwhile…well, I don’t know how to defend myself, here. It’s just such a melodramatic, over-the-top ballad which found its way onto my computer because of that fact. You know, with the, “tell me that it’s…ov-ERR-ER!” Just: Ha.
5. Aaron Carter – Wow, it’s dark down here, at the bottom of the barrel. But really: I have a little sister who, once upon a time, was even littler, and therefore, subjected me to Aaron Carter, who, in turn, taught me that there’s nothing funnier than a 12 year-old white boy trying to rap. And, no, I don’t remember what crazy conversation led to my decision to put an Aaron Carter song on my computer of one-and-a-half years, and, no, I never press “play” on said song, to remind myself of how he beat Shaq, and, actually, the only reason why I never bothered to uncheck the little box that puts him on my iPod in the first place is because, well, as long as it’s there, I won’t hide it. Yes, world, right in-between “A.C. Newman” and “Adrienne Pierce,” there is Aaron Carter on my iPod! Feel free to kick me out of your Cool Club.
Wow, that actually felt good – I feel like I could finally rest my head on something real. But, really, what’s the worst your music library has to offer? Feel free to comment, below. After all, I’m certainly in no position to judge.
Background noise: Wilco's "Heavy Metal Drummer." An awesome song, to make up for all the bad ones I just got stuck in your head.
But then, there is one negative side-effect to the iPod's “fits everything, goes everywhereness.” Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever “hung out” with a “group of friends” before, but when you do, there’s a good chance that your eventual lack of things to talk about will result in a passing around of the iPods. Because it’s a cool thing, everyone being able to carry their entire music library in their pocket, and an even cooler thing to be able to compare said libraries with each other. Still, as you hand your iPod off, you will likely find yourself with a sudden and growing seed of despair in the pit of your stomach – the feeling that this room full of people will, in just a short time, be passing around your soul, your deepest, darkest secrets just moments away from going public. Because I think that every person’s music collection features at least five items that he’d dare not show to anyone, songs that maybe even he never chooses to listen to, songs that, out of context, can counteract 2,457 other tracks from bands-you’ve-never-heard-of, forcing him to explain, for the rest of his life, why his “Artists” list would have anything in common with that of your 11 year-old sister. And…this paragraph stopped being about the all-inclusive “you” quite some time ago…didn’t it? Well, it’s too late to turn back, now. So, with that in mind, I not-so-proudly present:
The Top 5 Things I Will Never Admit to Having On My iPod
And the Explanations that I Know Won’t Make It Any Better
1. The Backstreet Boys – Okay, so maybe this would be more humiliating in 1998 than it is now, but, like I said, out of context, these things just don’t look very good. And I know that using the “I…only have that CD because my sister does” excuse is almost as middle-school as having to explain why you have a Backstreet Boys CD in the first place, but, well…that’s where it starts, at least. Because if I didn’t spend the back half of the ‘90s in an environment where “the BSB” beat out my Blink-182-or-whatever on most long car rides, I can almost guarantee you that there wouldn’t be Backstreet Boys on my iPod right now. Which isn’t to say my excuse is: “Way back before this thing was even invented, my sister listened to boy bands, and now, nine years later, omigosh, how did that get on there?! Heh…heh, heh…” No, the fact is that growing up with “I Want It That Way” stuck in my head led me to acquire what I will fully admit is now my own fondness for the shiny, happy, please-don’t-judge-me-for-listening-to-this brand of pop music that is best exemplified by songs like the Backstreet Boys’ “I Just Want You to Know.” And, while I’m hoping I put up a good argument for this one, I’m warning you…it gets worse.
2. Alanis Morissette’s “Head Over Feet” – But not yet, it doesn’t. Because, depending on who you are, you might not see anything particularly incriminating about this particular entry. But then, if you’re me, you’ll notice that “Alanis Morissette” is one of the first things to show up on your alphabetical “Artists” list, and then you’ll remember that kinda smurfy video for the song, and suddenly you realize that you’re humming along with lyrics like, “You treat me like…I’m a princess/I’m not used to…liking thaaa-aaa-at.” So, yeah. If it was “Ironic” it wouldn’t have made the list, as that has a more obvious ‘90s-nostalgia air to it. But the fact that I’m actually glad when this song comes on made me feel like it was worth coming clean about.
3. Hanson’s “Underneath” – Yes. That Hanson. I don’t know if it’s less embarrassing, or more so, that I’m actually talking about their most recent album (as in, I was pretty much who I am now, when this came out), rather than, like, “Mmmbop” but…they’re actually a very different band then they were when I was in middle school, and I can’t deny that, if they just appeared with this album, I’d probably be listening to it with a straight face. It’s just sort of enjoyable poppy-alternative music, and I’m very sorry, except that I’m not. But they are considered “indie,” now, so, as college-age kids, aren’t we sort of legally obligated to like them, anyway?
4. Ashlee Simpson’s “Pieces of Me”/Lindsay Lohan’s “Over” – They get grouped together for being songs that I hate myself for liking by people that I don’t even like. But “Pieces of Me” is one of those songs that was all over place, one summer, therefore gaining points by: A. Forcing itself upon us during the season that’s all about the guilty pleasures and B. Eventually reminding me of that summer, and…you know how it is, with songs that take you back to the summertime – it’s the only reason anyone remembers who LFO was, anymore. “Over,” meanwhile…well, I don’t know how to defend myself, here. It’s just such a melodramatic, over-the-top ballad which found its way onto my computer because of that fact. You know, with the, “tell me that it’s…ov-ERR-ER!” Just: Ha.
5. Aaron Carter – Wow, it’s dark down here, at the bottom of the barrel. But really: I have a little sister who, once upon a time, was even littler, and therefore, subjected me to Aaron Carter, who, in turn, taught me that there’s nothing funnier than a 12 year-old white boy trying to rap. And, no, I don’t remember what crazy conversation led to my decision to put an Aaron Carter song on my computer of one-and-a-half years, and, no, I never press “play” on said song, to remind myself of how he beat Shaq, and, actually, the only reason why I never bothered to uncheck the little box that puts him on my iPod in the first place is because, well, as long as it’s there, I won’t hide it. Yes, world, right in-between “A.C. Newman” and “Adrienne Pierce,” there is Aaron Carter on my iPod! Feel free to kick me out of your Cool Club.
Wow, that actually felt good – I feel like I could finally rest my head on something real. But, really, what’s the worst your music library has to offer? Feel free to comment, below. After all, I’m certainly in no position to judge.
Background noise: Wilco's "Heavy Metal Drummer." An awesome song, to make up for all the bad ones I just got stuck in your head.
posted by Matt at 2:07 PM
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