Thursday, May 25, 2006

Hey, I Bet No One Else Is Posting Their LOST Theories, Today!

Last night on LOST: Wait, what? I don't even know where to - well, okay, remember the boat, from last week? It turns out that the castaways aren't saved, a reveal which I'm guessing they better get used to, because, as long as the characters don't start finding evil twins or adorable, long-lost little cousins, I want at least five years out of this thing. Though, actually...I love a good "evil twin" storyline. But anyway, Desmond's on the boat – and he brought alcohol! I can only hope that the writers' next alternative-media tie-in is volumes one through five of Others Gone Wild. So, Desmond's flashbacks let us know that he actually was on a literal "race around the world" to impress Caleb Nichol, in a boat that was named after Libby-in-a-wig (whether that was just weird flashback-hair or an intentional bad wig – since that's what crazy people wear – has yet to be determined), all in hopes to win over this girl that looks like Meredith Grey. After that, one thing lead to another (if by “one thing” you mean “Desmond's boat got de-coursed and he was taken into the hatch by one of those ‘23-19!’ guys from Monsters Inc., who it turns out is actually that CIA guy from Sayid’s flashback,” and by “another” you mean, “Desmond killed the guy, who had his boat, and then he went kinda crazy, because it’s a very small hatch, and there's no TV or Soduku or anything,”), and Desmond eventually stopped pushing the button, which set off an electromagnet (and the only thing I really know about electromagnets is that my fridge would stick to them, rather than the other way around, so I can’t much theorize about that aspect of the show), which is what brought flight 815 crashing to the ground. So it turns out that The Story of What Crashed the Plane ended up looking a lot like The Story That I’d Pieced Together, Already – which, rather than being disappointing, is actually kind of a good thing. Because, while it’s nice to be surprised, it’s also nice to see bits of storytelling that can actually be figured out, and don’t rely completely on Big Reveals that render all of your previous guessing kind of useless. Oh, and Desmond also has this key, that fits in this keyhole, that can make the whole hatch “go away,” or something – remember that, for later.

And what of the characters we already know? Well, Sayid and Jack decide that, while Jack & Friends are pretending to be led through the forest by Michael (who, did you hear? Has a boy!), Sayid, Jin and Sun will take the Queen Libby out to sea, to scout out The Others’ camp and signal when the coast is clear. And you’d think at least Jin would know better than to set sail on a season finale. But he goes, anyway, and while the Yacht Club are out doing their part just fine, Jack decides that, actually, the best plan is to…tell Michael the plan. Way to keep your alliance a secret for more than a few hours, doc. Not that it matters, because it’s not long before they’re ambushed, bound and gagged in a way that stretches their cheeks out all funny, while they watch Michael win an amazing showcase that includes Walt and freedom and…this beautiful boat! Just follow the compass for a one way ticket out of paradise, I’m guessing for a while, but not for good! And then, after this surprising follow-through of the deal, the Others continue to be sort of less hostile, while still taking in Jack, Sawyer and Kate (obviously, to figure out those relationship issues, once and for all), and sending Hurley back to warn everyone not to rescue them. (They dragged him all the way out there for that? Warn them yourself, Others!)

, Locke realizes that it’s the end of the season, and he might as well do the less patient viewers a favor by stopping Eko from pushing that button, ever again. So he and Desmond get Eko on the other side of the blast doors, without even so much as a “Watch your leg!” and they spend most of the episode waiting for the countdown to…count down. But Eko goes all Wile E. Coyote, deciding that TNT is the answer to all of his problems, while Charlie plays his usual role of “Guy Following Around The Guy That’s Doing Something Much More Exciting Than He Is.” Watch out Charlie! That’s how you get yourself killed! And while the dynamite doesn’t much help the Eko get to the other side, it does allow for a “fire chasing characters down a narrow corridor” sequence, which is always fun, though I really did think Charlie might die, there. And then: The button goes unpushed! Desmond remembers it’s a bad idea! Hieroglyphics! Magnets are fun! Desmond races for the just-in-case keyhole! The blast doors open! Things are crumpling and flying and sticking to the giant magnet wall, which means Charlie has to dodge metal cabinets and pots and darts, which is a very cool part of this really cool sequence! The hatch is torn apart, therefore guaranteeing that next season won't look too much like this one! Locke and Eko stare at each other, and Locke’s just like, “I was wrong,” which was the coolest part of this really cool sequence! And then Desmond turns the key, and there’s a loud noise, and outside the sky goes all bright and "violet," and the hatch door falls from the sky, almost killing Claire. Watch where you land, hatch door! We're low on girls, as it is!

Episode cool down time: Charlie returns, his ears a-ringing (I thought permanently, especially since he’s Music Guy, and that would be tragic, but it seems I was wrong – guess the writers don’t need two communication barriers to deal with, and I understand). And his mood is surprisingly less “in shock” about whatever just happened and more “I don’t really feel like talking about it, right now, thanks.” Also, he’s sort of casually surprised that Locke and Eko haven’t shown, yet. All in all, Charlie’s reaction and attitude and ability to still exist imply that Locke and Eko weren’t anywhere to be found in the hatch, when Charlie exited, but also that he has no reason to think they’re dead or in trouble, either. Or that they were in the hatch, and they were fine, and he was just like, “See you guys later!” and now, where are they? Which, in turn, implies that whatever did happen when Desmond turned the key wasn’t the explosion that we all assumed would result, because if that were the case, wouldn't Charlie be like, "Oh no," or "You guys - Locke and Eko..." Or something. I don’t know. Maybe Charlie’s pretending, for some reason. But I do know that, going out of the season, the only regulars whose fates we’re actually sure of are Charlie and Claire’s. And that their fates involve kissing each other! Aww.

Fade to black! And then, cut to what appears to be the show’s first present time off-the-island scene, which is really weird to see. We’re somewhere snowy, and all the white blocks out the ABC logo in the bottom right corner, so I fast-forward for half a second, and everyone yells at me, because it’s still show that we’re watching. Oops. Cold people, speaking in subtitles! Possible (probable) chess metaphor! Some kind of apparatus (Ha, “apparatus.” Fun word.) detects an “electromagnetic anomaly.” The cold people pick up the Antarctaphone. And call…Penny, that girl Desmond was racing for, in what we’re to assume is her bedroom in the “real world." “We found it!” the cold people tell her. End Season. Dun dun dun!

And it’s much less clear-cut of a cliffhanger than last year’s, as, instead of leaving us with a catchphrase of a question (“What’s in the hatch?”) it’s more, just: “Huh?” Which is fine by me. Actually, the weirdest thing about the final scene is that it doesn’t seem like the kind of cliffhanger they can resolve in any conventional way, because to show us “what happens next” would mean to have to suddenly start cutting back-and-forth between the real world and the island, and I just can’t see the show doing that. Except, of course, that they’re allowed to do whatever they want, so what I “can’t see” them doing doesn’t really mean anything. But, anyway, I’m going to risk embarrassing myself, come September, by guessing that next season will either start out on the island, without mention of the cliffhanger, and that Penny’s rescue efforts will do something that’ll have some effect on the island, by the end of the episode, therefore resolving the cliffhanger without having to hand part of the show over to The Adventures of Desmond’s Girlfriend, and that everything that happened in-between will be gradually revealed, in classic LOST fashion. OR, she’s on the island, in her own hatch (which I know doesn’t seem likely, but remember how in the season premiere, after they revealed that Desmond-from-the-flashJack was actually what’s in the hatch, you were like, “What?? How did he…and how are they ever going to create a satisfactory explain for that, without, like, getting magic involved??” And how, as you watched the finale, you actually forgot how that was your initial reaction, because they did explain it in a way that made sense, at least in the world of the show? These things are possible, is what I’m saying.), or she’s at least not just “chilling cluelessly at home,” as it appears. And maybe she’s not looking for Desmond, exactly, but for something else Dharma-related, because, anyway, how would she know to watch out for “electromagnetic anomalies” if she were just some girl looking for her missing boyfriend? Which also makes sense, because I don’t think a season could hinge on a “Will they be rescued?” storyline, this early in the series. So that's my guess, actually: That she's knows more than we think she does, about where Desmond ended up, which means that she's looking for something that's not Desmond, which means that her alert doesn't have anything to do with our heroes being saved. But if you writers want to prove me wrong, well, then…feel free to do so! And how did you find my blog? Because that’s just weird…

Oh, and before we go: There’s a statue of a foot with only four toes (which really creeped me out, for some reason) on the island, some bird might have said Hurley’s name or maybe that was just a joke, Sawyer thinks maybe the Others are aliens, and I think that’s really funny, it’s somewhere around November 26, 2004 in show time, the pneumatic tube system led to nowhere, and…probably a lot of other things I’m forgetting.

Wow. That got lengthy. And…run on sentency. And I’m guessing it kind of defeats the purpose when my post about LOST is actually harder to decipher than the actual show. But, anyway, at least you have all summer long to unravel what the heck I’m talking about. All summer long….

Background noise: Green Days' "Castaway." If the show had a really bad theme song, this would be the one. Not that it's a bad song - just that it fits almost too well, and I can imagine clips of the cast doing wacky things in time to the music, Friends-style, and it would be painful. And hilarious. Hey, someone make that for me and put it up on YouTube, will ya?